Can i just go ahead and apologize right off the bat? I am so sorry. Every time I get on here and blog, I say that I’ll be back soon. I say that I’ll really get back to writing more often. I say that it’s been too long. Every time I say those things, I truly do mean them. If you’re a mom, you get it. If you’re a dad, you probably get it. If you’re just a normal human being that understands that life and things get in the way sometimes, you totally understand where I’m coming from.
Internet….. glorious, glorious high-speed internet! I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am to have WiFi blazing throughout my house again. We’ve been without it for months. Yeah, I know, #FirstWorldProblems But when dang near everything in your house runs off internet or you can’t find a DVD of Boss Baby or The Smurf’s anywhere and they’re your kids favorite movies ((EVER!!!)) so your ability to sleep hinges on being able to watch these movies at some point, internet becomes a necessity. Is it more important than lights, water, a house to live in or food? No, absolutely not. Hence why we’ve been without it for months. Until now!
Sometimes life turns everything upside down. Sometimes what you’re used to becomes something you miss. Honestly, yes, I missed having the ability to sit here at 4am and write a blog post from my laptop (because I really cannot do all this from a smartphone) but not doing so didn’t kill me. Obviously. I’m still here to write and post this tonight. So what else could I live without and be perfectly fine?
I look around my house and I cannot believe how two people can acquire so much junk in the course of 6 years. Then I see all the toys. 2 kids. 80 bajillion toys. Half of them don’t get played with. Lots of Big Kid’s toys are much too young for him. But for some reason, I can’t seem to let them go. There is so much clutter absolutely everywhere. How any one of us functions in the middle of all this chaos, I don’t understand. And no matter how much I clean, it all becomes this huge mess again because there’s so much other junk to pull out and mess with whenever the first round is put away. Big Kid is on the autism spectrum so for him, all this clutter is an even bigger issue. I love organization. My OCD self thrives on it. And even though there is mess, a lot of it is an organized mess. But what in the world would I do if there wasn’t so much clutter, so much junk and everything was just organized?!
For a split second, let me deviate. This mess that is my house spills over into my life like a glass too-full of milk that I would then cry for hours over. Anxiety and I fight every single day, all day, from the time I open my eyes until either it or my brain finally gives up at whatever wee morning hour they choose. We are not friends. We are not enemies. Anxiety and I walk side by side, in step with each other. Sometimes anxiety runs ahead of me and blocks my path. Sometimes it lags behind and lets me breathe. Most of the day, every day, it is a gnawing pit in my stomach, a raging, stormy sea in my head, waiting to crash the shores of my skin and eyes, breaking free in sweat and tears. When there’s absolutely no reason to be anxious at all, to feel the weight that Atlas feels, carrying the world on his shoulders, come crashing down on my chest as if the supports of his elbows have crumbled into a million tiny pieces. Knowing that no one can help you because you can’t even help yourself. Telling yourself that you’re being irrational when everything inside you screams that this is all real and there’s everything to fear. Anxiety traps me in this house but this house feels too small and I have to get out but it blocks the door and glues me to the couch so that I can’t make any of it any better. I paste on a fake smile to show the world that I’m fine but as far as the East is from the West is the distance between fine and me. To everyone else, I look fine. I look happy. That comes from years of sparring practice with Anxiety. I fight like hell to not be weak when every fiber shouts, “Don’t be strong!!!” Anxiety tells me I’ll never be enough. Some days I’m not. But I fight every day to be a Spartan warrior, kicking anxiety into the pit. Most days, I win.
So here’s my plan. It may sound completely asinine but it’s what I’m going to have to do in order to get this under control and take my life back. I want to rent a storage unit for a couple of months. I want to box up literally everything that is non-essential. I want to put all the non-essentials into storage and deep clean my entire house. I’m talking, top to bottom. Ceilings to baseboards, scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees. Then, I want to bring back two boxes at a time. Go through each box and get rid of, give away, throw away whatever we don’t truly need. Even if all I do is go room by room. I just need a great big purge. Big Kid needs a safe space that’s all his, a place he doesn’t have to share at all. He needs an organized room, free of clutter, not an organized mess. LadyBug needs to grow up without an excess of stuff that isn’t really needed. I’m not trying to be minimalist, I just need less chaos. Am I nuts? Maybe. That’s okay.
Next time…. it won’t be months…. it won’t be 4am…. I’ll see you very soon….. But until then…..